Kids are resilient, they’ll figure it out…….

In the middle of a contested custody case, a dad chimed testified that “the kids are resilient, they’ll be just fine.”  The dad was referring to the fact that the kids would naturally rebound after the parent’s nasty custody case.  There was little need for parent coordinators, parent facilitator’s, no need for anyone to help these kids cope.

In the short term, I imagine that the dad will be totally correct, the child will not exhibit dramatic differences in behavior. Conflict doesn’t hurt kids, EVERYONE just moves onward and forward with their lives.  EVERYONE seemed to agree and the case moved on.

Anyone agreeing with conflict style of parenting must hold onto these beliefs like a child hold’s onto a blanket.

Parent’s need to stop thinking that conflict does not hurt their children.  Why?  Well over the long term lets go with the law of probable events that follow.  Over the long term when the child gets older EVERYONE will be surprised at the level of anger this child would have and wonder why.  Later the child would reach an adult EVERYONE will agree that the young adult’s problems were a byproduct of their troubled child hood because their parents couldn’t get along.

You can also see that EVERYONE seems to have extreme differences of opinion as time goes on.

Parent’s need to start believing that their children SUFFER MORE than they do. If you don’t address a child’s anxiety, their grief or sense of loss how surprised should we be when they grow up angry and disillusioned.  Parent’s need to start believing that their continued custody fight PROBABLY will mean trouble for their children in the long term.

If we can create an environment where EVERYONE is on the same page from day one, maybe we can HELP these parent’s understand that children ARE NOT that resilient, and that they need our help.    Maybe EVERYONE can get these parent’s to the correct professionals who can help their kids BEFORE there are profound long term consequences.

Does EVERYONE Agree with me?

2 thoughts on “Kids are resilient, they’ll figure it out…….

  1. Good thoughts, Matt. I wish you much success with your program! Years ago in my private law practice, a former client of mine came into my office with her 9 year old daughter in tow. The client’s case was an extremely high-conflict divorce, and the parents had been raging at each other for months with much name-calling, bickering over the smallest things, etc. As I reached for some children’s books I kept on hand to entertain the child while I met with the mother, I spoke directly to the little girl, and said her mom would be in my office for just a few minutes. The mother said to me, “She can come in with us. She’s heard it all before, so we won’t be saying anything she doesn’t already know.” I have never forgetten the little girl’s facial expression and body language at she looked back and forth between her mother and me, not sure what to do. She appeared to be in physical pain, and the expression on her little face nearly broke my heart. It was clear that she truly had heard it all before. I prevailed on the mother to leave the child with my paralegal, kept the meeting short, and told the mother never to bring her child to my office ever again, but I have often worried about that little girl in the years since then. The mother, and the father as well, were so focused on beating up each other, they were oblivious to the pain they were inflicting on their children. I have no confidence that they stopped doing it after their divorce was done, despite the best efforts of the attorneys to counsel our clients about it. If your program can spare even one child that sort of distress, I think it will all be worthwhile.

  2. Some genuinely wonderful blog posts on this internet site, appreciate it for contribution. “A religious awakening which does not awaken the sleeper to love has roused him in vain.” by Jessamyn West.

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