Children of Divorce get a Monthly Kid’s Pass

One of the worst things for a child can be told is that they can not be with their mom or dad because it’s not the other parent’s visitation day. Most kids will never understand the nuances of what is contained in a visitation schedule.  Restricting access to see a parent will only lead to a child have increased anxiety, anger and resentment.

We are promoting the concept of a “kids pass” so a child can pick a day when he can see mom or dad even when it is not his scheduled time.  Giving the child a “kids pass” puts the child in control of which parent he will be with, even if it’s just for a day/or even a few hours.

Of course the day pass would be something that’s approved by both parents.  Both parents would agree to make a rule that the child could not use the pass as a “get out of jail free” card, if the child was in trouble one day.  The child would understand that a day pass would be something the child would have the right to use only once/twice a month.

Add a “kids pass” to your resource list of things you can do to make your chlid’s life better.  It’s really up to you!

I’m just a kid!

Kids in divorce are met with insurmountable hurdles – and with little resources.  That being said, it really isn’t that hard to give kids key phrases to help them get out of uncomfortable situations..

If mom is asking Tommy to ask Dad for his child support – Tommy can just say “I’m just a kid!”  In other words, I love you Mom, but you are making life impossible for me, so do not put me in this situation.

If Dad is asking for Tommy to be a snoop – Tommy can say “I’m just a kid.”  So Dad, back off, I’m not your detective, I’m happy when I’m with you and I’m happy when I’m with mom.

I could keep going – remember parents, if you hear catch phrases like this – it’s probably time to talk to Tommy about something else.  Hearing these key phrases should be a red flag that your child feels threatened or disturbed.

KFPS mission is to help kids cope with divorce.  With a kids first, parent’s second approach, KFPS teaches parent’s to focus on what is truly important in their divorce, their children’s emotional well being.

Helping Kids mourn the loss of a failed marriage

If your a follower of our blog you must be a believer that kids need resources to help cope with their parent’s divorce.   You also must be frustrated by the lack of resources these kids have.

We are in essence giving kids the same resources they would otherwise receive if they were to suffer the death of a loved one.  Is this an extreme position to take, perhaps, but only to a degree.  Think of it, I’m a kid, I’m like five and my parent’s no longer are together – that’s an end to a world that i know – an end that’s not exactly coming back to life anytime soon.   A child will go through emotional stages handling this loss.

So what do we do?  Well if we have these kids make collages, build photo albums, we are sending a message to the kids – remember the good times, enjoy the memories of when mom and dad were together.  You may not love your ex spouse anymore but your kids most certainly do.

Younger children ages 4-6 may simply need reassurance, and some one to talk to about questions they have.  Older kids 7-11 will have to deal with being angry, sad or generally lost.  Different strategies need to be created for different cognitive abilities.  Older kids’ should be able to VOICE their concerns…..preteens and teenagers will be able to, with the correct direction, provide powerful messages about how divorce has affected their life.

Allow your kids the ability to express themselves so they can reflect.  You want these kids to have time to put this event in it’s proper place so they have a way to adjust and move forward.

Take the time out and make this a priority with your kids.  Its not that hard and it might just get you to FOCUS and understand that your ex, is a vital part of your kids life.

Anger in/Anger out!

A new friend of KFPS sent us an email – how are you handling kids, divorce and their anger?  Good question I thought. i had no good answer.

Time to start talking about the deadly emotion anger.

The first question, is it healthy for kids to feel angry?  Sure it is – if you came home one day and found your home turned upside down you’d be angry too.

Keeping one’s anger IN is obviously NOT the best direction to go.  One would say, keeping one’s anger in might just be the one thing kids SHOULD NOT DO, as it is probably the most self destructive decision they can make.

Letting one’s anger OUT is also problematic for these kids.  Physically acting out (kicking a door, etc.) will only land the child in trouble.  Expressing anger is not going to be well received by a parent who is already emotionally overwhelmed.  It is easy to see how many kids find other kids equally angry and get lost or into trouble.

So what do we do?  Lets talk and focus on WHY these kids are ANGRY.   Lets set up divorce groups for kids to get them to collectively share their feelings and get them to create and their MESSAGE.  In addition to expressing feelings, lets provide these kids activities they can turn to and burn off needed steam.

Matt Sossi, KFPS

“Because a Little Bug went Ka-Choo!”

Dr. Seuss’s book “Because a Little Bug went Ka-choo!” unravels the chain of events because of a sneeze.   The book creates an environment in which everything is interconnected, and interdependent.

So I’m reading this “Ka-Choo” book and all I can think about is showing this book to our kids at KFPS.  Because mom and dad divorced, what happens? Clearly what happens to the parents after their parent’s divorce effects kids in multiple ways.

So were going to use the “ka-choo” book to help kids create their own book at our workshop, one in which they share their pain, their experience and their fears of divorce.

While a ka-choo can lead to a domino effect, it’s up to parent’s to control the events that lead to life after divorce.  Getting kids to open up and explain their life during divorce should allow parent’s to understand how their actions have profound consequences.

KFPS gets asked to talk about Sex?

I had to tell this story……I would be selfish if I didn’t share.

KFPS was invited on as a guest for one of these Pod cast shows in New York City.  Perfect, I thought, a great way to get the message out about our CHILDREN’S BOOKS.  The individual taking down our information was provided a copy of our CHILD’s BOOK, you know to help kids cope with divorce.  Be patient, we were told, we will get you on the set in a few months.  Okay, this all sounds promising, perhaps we are on to something here.

A few weeks later we are at a speaking engagement in Texas talking about our program.  During the program we talk about the need to provide resources to parent’s during divorce.  I made a side comment that the only resources out there for people dealing with life after divorce are those that talk about relationships and sex.

So onward we go.  Two day’s ago we receive an email from the show saying the segment to help kids was being cancelled. No problem I thought, life goes on.

I then read on, I was invited to talk about love, sex and relationships.  Karma had dealt me a terrible hand.

Now come on!  First off I’m a divorce attorney, there has to be someone better than me to discuss things of this sort.  The land of social media is filled with people much more qualified than I.  I know this because I’m constantly blocking profiles from these individuals.  Then I thought, maybe it was because the fruit we drew in the book had no clothes on – maybe I was sending the wrong message?

At times like this you can get down, sad, whatever.  As for me, I can’t say what I’m thinking, my 2014 resolution was to not swear while typing.  Suffice to say there’s work to be done – can we focus just a little.  Maybe my goal should be getting people to not think about sex, love and relationships for about 10 minutes a day, so they can focus on how their kids are feeling during their divorce.

So to wrap it all up, I guess I could say that I should be glad that there’s always work for me in the love, sex and relationship area. Then again, maybe I should have just put clothes on my Ms. Apple, Mr. Orange and little fruit!

KFPS Promotes Our Family Wizard

Children’s ability to adjust to life after divorce is directly linked to their parents ability to minimize conflict.  If children constantly see their parents fighting they will suffer as a result of it. Conversely your children will adjust to life after divorce quicker if they know that their mom and dad are working together and are there for them.

Therapists will tell you that the best approach parents can take to minimize conflict is through cooperative parenting. So what  is is cooperative parenting?  Cooperative parenting is one approach parents can take after their divorce in which parents communicate effectively and focus on their children’s needs.

The million dollar question is how do you interact with someone you chose to divorce?   In that regard Family Wizard answers this question by creating a medium by which parents can communicate without directly interacting with one another either by phone or in person.   Sharing information through cloud technology allows the parents to solely FOCUS on the needs of their children without having the strain of directly interacting with one another.

If parents can successfully stay on course and adopt a child first parent second strategy, they will created an atmosphere in which cooperative parenting can flourish.   It is a learned process, and you will need to learn to listen closely to your lawyer, therapist or parent facilitator.   Good luck!